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Independence Day

As our flag flies high, it reminds us of our struggle to secure basic freedoms and rights. It reminds us of our promise to honour our nation and vest free from the shackles of jingoism and aggressive nationalism. It reminds us of the trust it has in our ability to live in peaceful co existence and harmony. It reminds us of the love it has for every citizen irrespective of caste, religion and class. This flag, it flies high with the aspirations of its citizens to strive towards their best version. It flies high with the dreams of millions of Indians.

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The way I talk to myself

In 6 lines I write,
The pain and the disguise,
In my head lives a voice,
Toxic.
Neither good nor bad,
Does it keep me alive,
Or does it leave me at a
stench of death

Quill, Write Ups

TAMASHA

Maybe I sound like a hopeless sentimentalist who will be obsessed with tamasha for the rest of my life . And without any qualms about it , I will continue obsessing over it . Or maybe I belong to that 2% of millennials who understood tamasha .
Everyone thinks this story is about Tara and all those years . But somewhere I feel it is more of Ved’s story . And every Ved needs a Tara in his life . Maybe I’m more like Ved than Tara that’s why I think like this . I remember not watching this movie for almost a year because some friends gave bad reviews about it and said it’s boring and time wasting story . So almost after a year , one afternoon I was so bored , I decided to watch tamasha . And when I watched it for the first time I thought it’s all about Tara ,But it’s not .

I connect more to Ved . We are same . When he said ” andar se Kuch aur hi hai hum , aur bahar se majboor ” , I felt him . Just like him , everytime I’m confused or sad I find myself infront of mirror , repeating same things which caused me pain or I can say discomfort in the first place .
Just like him , I cry , I get annoyed , I get angry , I get mood swings and I can’t handle rejections .
And the character of Tara , she is the strength of the story and one of the best characters Bollywood can ever give us . And after three long years , I still listen to agar tum sath ho and wat wat wat on a daily basis . It’s a part of my life . Even when I’m writing this , agar tum sath ho is playing in background . Everytime I listen to this song , a line comes which is ” Tum Saath Ho Ya Na Ho Kya Fark Hai , Bedard Thi Zindagi Bedard Hai ” I get goosebumps . I don’t know why , but I do . I’m a lot more like Ved and lot less like Tara . But it’s okay , I got my Tara .
© Puja Vardhan

Quill, Write Ups

SENSATIONS

I can hear you.

I can hear your ragged breathing as you sit beside me and whisper in my ear to look at you. But I can’t. I would be beaten black and blue. Why can only I see you, I wonder?

You twist my arm and compel to turn my head and stare into your weary face. It hurts a lot. I break free and run towards my mother, she hits me hard and I fade away into a corner. These sensations pick at my skin and fill my ear with mumbles and cries, delusions of dead bodies and spies, push me into a dark tunnel where hopelessness resides. If only, someone could me help me.

Our mind is a labyrinth, long passages leading to the nebula of emotions and thoughts, a farrago of ideas. But when our mind is ill, our lives can turn 360 degrees. Mental health, unfortunately, can’t be locked in a box and thrown into a deep lake. It is bound to resurface, a burning issue in today’s world, affecting people of all age groups. But our society and its brigade of conformists have shunned the depressed, maniacs and paranoid, they are considered to be a blot on our “perfect” society. This irrational behavior exhibits an innate fear; the fear of the unknown. As we commoners are unable to comprehend the complexities of our mind, we turn our back to these problems, afraid that it will end us up in an asylum. But the world tried to restore order, it engineered psychologists and psychiatrists, therapists and life coach to facilitate the understanding of the mind and help people with mental health issues. But what the world couldn’t augur is that these messiahs would be ostracized too. They are labeled as crazy people who treat crazier individuals. This has resulted in mental health being reduced to a taboo. But this has the capacity to strike back with greater force, mental health is like an obscurus, our bottled up emotions can wreak havoc in this world.

So, I would like to extend a hand, to those who have shut themselves to this world. i would like to knock at the bolted doors of your mind, pick you up and help you stand on your feet so that you can do the same for others.

After all, happiness can be found in the darkest times only if one remembers to turn on the light.

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To the Helpers and The Strugglers,

To the Helpers,

 Sadly the STIGMA attached to mental health awareness in India is pretty big. It is not a thing we are not aware of. How commonly do we hear psychiatrist being referred as pagalon ka docter. How commonly we hush up the talk about depression, how commonly we are not even able to identify the symptoms, or to reach out to a person before he\she commits self-harm,

It’s time we stop hushing the words like MENTAL ILLNESSES, DEPRESSION, ANXIETY, BIPOLAR DISORDER, SCHIZOPHRENIA, ANOREXIA NERVOSA, BULIMA, POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER, OBBESESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER, AUTISM and many others like this.

 It’s time you reach out, be empathetic towards them, and be their strength.

For the strugglers,

 It’s okay to not be okay. But it’s not okay to stay like that forever. You got the potential, you can seek bigger things in life. And you are definitely stronger than this. I do see the super hero in you. GET UP, I know it is easier said than done, but you ought to get up. I know you don’t feel like getting up in the morning, I know you think you aren’t enough, you are afraid to step out, but you can’t give up on yourself, your dreams, and your family. If you need help reach out, talk about your symptoms to someone who actually cares, and seek professional help.

Reach out, talk to me, if you aren’t doing well lately. I really do care, and you are loved.

Write Ups

Happy Birthday. Umm..?

Yet again, continuing the tradition of our last wish*, this time we’ll be wishing/ acknowledging/accrediting I don’t even know if a word for it exists or not but the man, who.. (excuse me for my inconsistency or grammar… emotions are overpowering) so, the man who probably is the sole reason for why THE POCKET DIARIES exists.

The most selfless man one could ever come across, the limitless, the actual definition of ‘self-made’, the sheer manifestation of nonpareil and indeed the perfect example of ‘A notorious elder brother’.

Trust me, once you meet Nitesh Gaba, your life would never be the same.

A lot of people told me what I can be, a lot of people tell people what they can be, but you, you made me what I am, you make people what they can be. You made this family, you made this community, I might be the face of this worldwide linkage, but you are the soul of THE POCKET DIARIES.

Happy Birthday, Fufu… And yeah trust me, I was dying to wish you since 12:00… But, I thought why to wish first as an individual, when you can wish on behalf of an entire family.

P.S. There is so so so so much more to write but trust me, you are exactly what makes one speechless. I don’t have enough words to… I don’t know… I love you. I just… You are the best.

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Maa ,

You never stopped watching over me . Not when you had to stay after-hours at work . Not when I lost l first essay competition . Not when I failed for first time . Not when I was an exaggerated teenager . Not when I had to move to another city .
I still remember those days when you’d wake up at 5 in the morning to prepare my lunch . You would braid my hair , kiss my cheeks and wave me goodbye . When I was an impossible exaggerated teenager who’d scream at you to leave me alone , I wish I could go back in time to put some sense in 16 year old me .

28 stations away , you still call me everyday to ask about my day and to remind me to eat something and I lie almost everyday that I already had something . I miss you , maa. I miss having breakfast with you , I miss the feeling of your fingers on my head , I miss the aroma of food when you cook , I miss preparing dinner with you . You’re my first call after a bad day , a bad breakup or stuffed nose .
Plural names to call you , but just a singular feeling – love , only love .

Quill, Write Ups

MA

The pain of the hot oil which spilled on your hand, that searing pain you endured, without a word and with tears in your eyes, a burn because of haste, to fill an empty stomach. The red eyes and yawns, those sleepless nights, when my aching body and agonizing cries were enough to keep you awake. The slender hand with firm fingers wrapped around my waist, supporting my stumbling figure, helping me walk after a long time. Those huge eyes, deadpan eyes, staring at me, doing their magic as a glance was sufficient to make me do my chores. Your death stare is indeed remarkable.

Delicacies galore, which I missed when you weren’t around. An assertive voice, supporting me through thick and thin, standing up for me and daring anyone to mess with me. Quirky humor, giggles, cackles, soundless laughter and a broad smile, a sign of how proud you felt when I first won a competition. Those endless talks on the couch, when I started confiding in you, those horrible mood swings when I banged the door of my room in your face, not realizing the sorrow it gave you, those beautiful moments when I cried and your shoulder was always there to support my frail emotions. You give all of your time to me, loving and caressing me, not understanding how difficult it makes the decision of leaving you and finding my own path.

I don’t need one day to appreciate you, I don’t need to put a status on WhatsApp to show the world how much I adore you. I don’t need to wish you a Happy Mother’s day because I strive to take care of you and love you every moment of my life. I wish to make your everyday special.

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Unsent emails III

To:
Cc/Bcc:
Subject: ‘happy?

I saw you with her today , laughing at her jokes , like you used to laugh at mine.
And it broke my heart but I pray you’re as happy as you looked .
P.S – I don’t miss you anymore

~~~
Draft saved on 08/05/2019 at 09:17 pm

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Unsent emails II

To:
Cc/Bcc:
Subject: ‘realisation’

Do you ever sit back and realise that I was never your first call after a bad day , there was someone you’d always choose over me .

~~~
Draft saved 29/04/19 at 10:15 pm